The Chicago Cubs were recently swept in the National League Playoffs after posting the best record in the league. I am completely convinced that everyone who believes in sovereignty and election should be a Cubs fan. There is certainly no good reason to choose to be a Cubs fan by exercising free will. All quotes under Calvinists are from the Canons of the Synod of Dort.
Total Depravity - Calvinists- Third and Fourth Heads of Doctrine, Article 3: Therefore all men are conceived in sin, and are by nature children of wrath, incapable of saving good, prone to evil, dead in sin, and in bondage thereto; and without the regenerating grace of the Holy Spirit, they are neither able nor willing to return to God, to reform the depravity of their nature, or to dispose themselves to reformation.
Cubs- All Cubs are granted futility, weakness, and the ability to choke upon their arrival to the team. They are incapable of reforming their depravity of talent until they are traded to another team, whence they become productive players and perhaps Hall of Famers (see Lou Brock, Joe Carter, Rafael Palmeiro, etc.).
Unconditional Election - Calvinists- First Head of Doctrine, Article 10: The good pleasure of God is the sole cause of this gracious election; which does not consist herein that out of all possible qualities and actions of men God has chosen some as a condition of salvation, but that He was pleased out of the common mass of sinners to adopt some certain person as a peculiar people to Himself…
Cubs – Cubs fans do not choose their team; they are chosen to be fanatics of the Chicago National League Ball Club. No one is free to make himself a fan of the Cubs. Who would chose this life of misery?
Limited Atonement - Calvinists- Second Head of Doctrine, Article 8: For this was the sovereign counsel and most gracious will and purpose of God the Father that the quickening and saving efficacy of the most precious death of His Son should extend to all the elect, for bestowing upon them alone the gift of justifying faith, thereby to bring them infallibly to salvation;
Cubs – The draw of Cubs fans extends to Cubs fans alone. There are no fair-weather Cubs fans who temporarily feel the draw and subsequently fall away. If a fan receives the draw, he can rest assured that the draw is for him and only him.
Irresistible Grace - Calvinists- Third and Fourth Heads of Doctrine, Article 9: But that others who are called by the gospel obey the call and are converted is not to be ascribed to the proper exercise of free will, whereby one distinguishes himself above others equally furnished with grace sufficient for faith and conversion (as the proud heresy of Pelagius maintains); but it must be wholly ascribed to God, who, as He has chosen His own from eternity in Christ, so He calls them effectually in time, confers upon them faith and repentance, rescues them from the power of darkness, and translates them into the kingdom of His own Son;
Cubs – A fan who is chosen to be for the Cubs does not exercise his own free will in ascribing his allegiance to the North Side team; rather, he is effectually drawn to the delights of Cubdom and is incapable of resistance, thus being brandished a Cubs fan for life. The Cubs fan is irresistibly drawn to Wrigley for sub-freezing games played by a team with hapless talent.
Perseverance of the Saints - Calvinists- Fifth Head of Doctrine, Article 3: By reason of these remains of indwelling sin, and also because of the temptations of the world and of Satan, those who are converted could not persevere in that grace if left to their own strength. But God is faithful, who, having conferred grace, mercifully confirms and powerfully preserves them therein, even to the end.
Cubs – By reason of the ineptitude of the team and the temptations of the more winning teams in Major League Baseball, those who are converted to the Cubs could not persevere as Cubs fans if left to their own strength. But the draw of the fan is faithful, who having received grace, will powerfully persevere even to the end. Perhaps it is due to self-hatred and masochism, but he will remain a fan for life and not desert to the greener pastures of the South Side or St. Louis.
In addition to the five points, Cubs fans also have other aspects in common with Calvinists.
Suffering - Calvinists – For much of the history of the movement, Calvinists have been persecuted, often violently.
Cubs – The Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908. They have not appeared in the World Series since 1945. There have been too many last place finishes to count.
Humility - Calvinists have never had the majority position in Christianity. They have always been marginalized and relegated to the fringes of the church at large. The movement has never experienced wide popularity outside of a few Dutch towns and in Geneva for about 100 years.
Cubs – The Cubs have never been close to a winning franchise. Cubs fans have had to watch the White Sox and St. Louis Cardinals win World Series in 2005 and 2006, respectively.
Villians – Jacob Arminius – He was raised a Calvinist and educated by Theodore Beza in Geneva. He later abandoned the doctrines and formulated his own theology centering on the freedom of man’s will.
Steve Bartman – He was raised a Cubs fan but later cost the Cubs the 2003 pennant when he interfered with Cubs’ left-fielder Moises Alou on a foul ball, costing the Cubs the out and a chance at the World Series.
Wrigley Field – St. Peter’s Cathedral
Chicago – Geneva
Harry Caray – John Calvin
Bleachers – Church pews
Ivy – Tulips
I was born a covenant child, not of the Reformed faith but of the Chicago Cubs. I would not choose this of my own volition and have often times wished that I could desert my team for a better one. However, I have been chosen for life and will continue to be a Cubs fan in good times and… wait, there are no good times. I will continue to be a Cubs fan in bad times and worse times.